The Ideal Bar

Some might say that the ideal bar is one that's fully stocked and I can't argue there. I truly believe a well stocked bar is a hands down winner any day of the week, but what if someone came to you and said what's your bar fantasy? What are the components that would make the perfect bar experience for you? Here are mine... 

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  • Sweatpants are a requirement for the dress code. Drinking makes you bloated and those high waisted skinny jeans can only do so much, God bless them. A couple pale ales and pretty soon I'm looking like baby #4 is on the way. This is why sweatpants are required at my bar and plus sweatpants make everything better. 
  • Bartender choice. When you walk in the bar there are a few categories of bartenders that you can select from. Sometimes you need a bartender that's ready to whip you up some crazy cocktail they learned at a fancy Vegas bartending conference. Other times you need an asshole bartender, one who ignores you and makes you work for your drink. You might not like this bartender, but honestly we all need to be put in our place every now and then, this bartender is the humble express conductor and we all need an occasional ride. Time and time again we need that bartender that puts their rag down for a minute, leans in and gives you their undivided attention. I don't often spill my guts to anyone, but sometimes a stranger with a bleached soaked towel and a wine key is just what I need.
  • Seating Arrangement. You should be able to select your favorite barstool when you enter your dream bar and when they see you come in the door they bring your stool from the back. No one else's sweaty ass has sat on it- just your sweaty ass. 
  • Entertainment Choice. This one may seem obvious but entertainment is usually a equienessitaial aspect of a bar. I believe there should be a personal television at each barstool that you get the remote to. It will also have one of those screen dimmer things where you can't see what everyone is watching until you get right up close (you know those screens people plopp on their screens at the office so you can't see them watching their doggy day care puppy cam?). You can watch Bravo or whatever with absolutely zero judgement. 
  • Food. My bar will have all the drunchie essentials- Tostinos pizza, Frozen french fries, Kraft mac & cheese, a soft serve ice cream machine, and Doritos. 
  • Drinks. This one may seem obvious or possibly out of reach, but since this is a 'dream bar' my bar would be fully stocked with all the liquor selection from around the world (miles of taps, every spirit imaginable, fresh garnishes, the best wine and Sonic ice cubes). 
  • Indoors. I'm an indoor drinker. I don't like sitting in the hot hot sun, dripping sweat and waiting for my next drink that I will inevitably chug because I'm having a heat stroke. A/C for me please. Set it at 71.