Lies I've Told


I don't condone lying, but you've got to do what you've got to do to survive as a parent. 

1. "Your underwear say Tuesday"

When in fact they say "Friday". Why are children so obsessed with these days of the week undies and making sure they're wearing them on the correct day? 

2. "You better get to sleep, because we've got a fun surprise planned for tomorrow."

I will say just about anything to get my children to fall asleep at night. The sincerely hope that they wake up and forget anything I promised them. There is also a thin ice you have to skate on, because you don't want to throw a threat that makes them scared. 'Santa is watching you' has backfired on me. I had to explain that Santa wasn't hiding anywhere in the room and then it turned into a rabbit hole of lies and a twisted complicated story plot meant for a Game of Thrones episode. 

3. "There are sugar bugs living in your teeth and if you don't brush your teeth they will eat your teeth out and you'll look like a Jack-O-Lantern."

I'm all about exaggeration when it comes to hygiene and safety. Threats to get my children to bathe and threats to get them to stop doing something because they could get hurt are highly effective around here. Reminder this is not a parenting advice blog nor am I held responsible for anything I've written. Well, I think that's untrue actually. These days anything you put on the world wide web can and will come back to get you. This has now taken a turn to a very different direction than where I intended this point to go. However, I have no intent to delete and start over. 

4. "This is wine."

My kids know they can't drink wine so anything I'm drinking that I don't want them to drink I tell them it's wine. That's just smart training on my part if I do say so myself. 

5. "The park is closed today."

Replace park with any location where you don't feel like going and it works most of the time. I can't say there won't be a bit of whining, but in the end the word "closed" seems to resonate with them. 

6. "You can have that when you're older.


This is used when I am trying to get them to stop requesting an item such as a toy, makeup, clothes or whatever. The plan is that when they are "older" they will forget. If my daughter comes back in 5 years and says to me, "Mom, remember when you said I could have a pony when I got older?"- I will in fact be screwed.